Coworker's Perfume Declared Biological Weapon Under Geneva Convention
International tribunal rules on accounts receivable specialist's signature scent.
The International Criminal Court ruled today that the fragrance worn by accounts receivable specialist Deborah Miller constitutes a chemical agent prohibited under international law.
"We're not saying it's technically mustard gas," said tribunal spokesperson Anders Lindqvist during a press conference. "But we're not not saying that either."
The case, brought before the court by Miller's 23 coworkers over a period of 18 months, represents the first time the Geneva Convention has been invoked in a workplace fragrance dispute.
"The evidence was overwhelming," explained lead prosecutor Marie Dubois. "We presented 847 documented instances of colleagues developing spontaneous headaches, 234 cases of sudden nausea, and one individual who simply started crying and couldn't explain why."
Miller, 58, has worn her signature scent—a layered combination of vanilla, jasmine, and what experts describe as "aggressive optimism"—for approximately 15 years. She applies it, according to witness testimony, "before leaving home, after arriving at work, before lunch, after lunch, and sometimes just because."
"I barely wear any," Miller told reporters outside the courtroom. "People are so dramatic."
At this point, three journalists in the press pool requested medical attention.
The tribunal's decision mandates that Miller's perfume be stored in a secure facility in Geneva, accessible only by personnel in full hazmat equipment. Miller herself will be permitted to continue working, provided she maintains a 50-meter buffer zone from colleagues with documented sensory sensitivities.
Dr. Heinrich Weber, an expert witness specializing in olfactory warfare, testified that Miller's fragrance registered at 847 on the Scent Intensity Scale—a measurement previously thought to be theoretical.
"We had to recalibrate our equipment," Dr. Weber stated. "Three times."
Miller's attorney argued that his client was simply expressing herself through fragrance and that the sensitivity of her coworkers was "not her responsibility." This argument was rejected when two members of the jury panel had to be excused for fresh air.
The ruling has prompted calls for similar action against other workplace scent offenders, including the man in IT who recently discovered patchouli, and whoever keeps microwaving fish in the fourth-floor break room.
At press time, Miller had announced plans to appeal the decision while simultaneously applying another layer of perfume "for confidence."